Depression Strikes a Substacker (or Where Has Jeff Been Lately?)

When life gets you down, you don't have to stay down.

I missed my regular Sunday posting to Substack last week and haven’t engaged with the platform much in a few weeks. I’d like to talk about why.

This is not to justify. If I don’t publish, that’s my prerogative. My harsh inner critic may tell me you have unyielding expectations of me, and that I disappoint, but hopefully, you’ve just missed me.

Recently, I’ve been in a bit of a hole. I struggle with anxiety and depression, and, since mid-April, I’ve felt the familiar and unwelcome sensation of heaviness returning, the weight bowing my head and stooping my back, the negative inner voices clamoring for attention.

I’ve found this particular bout with my mood disorder especially upsetting, because I’d been in a very positive and motivated space since mid-February. I had a good groove going and didn’t want it to end.

I continually struggle to remember my moods are transitory. When I am in the midst of a depression, I am unable to see beyond it. It feels permanent and eternal, a massive dull monolith obstructing my view of the entire world. I can’t imagine ever feeling differently.

Now, I realize that’s also how my period of excitement and positive energy felt—permanent. I told myself I’d finally put away my depression and anxiety and arrived at an optimal space of well-being and balanced equilibrium.

I’d forgotten, as usual, that moods, all moods, are transitory. And, as frequently as I need reminding of that, I need to be reminded of this:

Healing is not an end destination we arrive at; it’s an ongoing journey.

When my extended positive mood faded into the familiar and defeating feelings of depression and anxiety, it was a crushing blow. Physically, I was unharmed, but inside, I felt bruised and beaten, forced to withdraw into myself, to lick my wounds and hide from the world.

That’s my habitual response when depression and anxiety encroach. It drives me inward, making me want to be small and unseen, telling me to disconnect.

I’m determined that this emotional blow will be a knockdown rather than a knockout. So instead, I’m reaching out, leaning into connection and vulnerability.

Perhaps, in some ways, I needed this time to regroup. I’d been dealt a powerful blow, so it made sense to stay down for a short while—to take the nine-count and pause momentarily while I gathered my senses.

But down for nine is not down and out. I will rise before the count reaches ten.

(Also, never in a million years did I expect to be writing in boxing metaphor, but there’s something to be learned from the tenacity of a fighter down, but not out.)

And while I’m in the process of getting back up, there are some more things I want to share with you. For instance, I realize many, but not all, of my new and reopened wounds were self-inflicted. The main opponent I was facing in the ring was myself.

Let’s start with the most bothersome reason for the reemergence of my dark clouds: I allowed myself to get in my head and succumb to internal pressure to perform.

When I began writing essays and publishing Words over Swords, it was a fun and exciting hobby. I felt no pressure and had no expectations of myself or what would happen with this project. It was an experiment. I was comfortable going with the flow, tinkering away at exploring various ideas and whims—the community of caring, the community of giving, and the whims of wordplay wizened by 50 years of life experience.

A couple of months later, I found myself with nearly 300 subscribers, other Substackers recommending my work, and the onset of the unyielding pressure I tend to place upon myself.

I hadn’t been inspired to write in weeks, yet felt I had to produce. Even while I’d been curled up in a ball, with no new ideas or posts and barely any notes published in two weeks, I was still gaining subscribers.

Engaging on Substack had brought me joy for many weeks. Now it felt like a burden and a terrifying chore.

As someone who has never had a regular writing habit or written much for public consumption, I suspect this is part of the writing process I have to learn to push through.

My therapist told me most of the authors she knows tell her they hate the process of writing. I agree. For me, it can be an emotionally draining slog, and when writing from an authentic place, it makes me feel incredibly vulnerable.

That vulnerability has been a particular struggle for me recently. In my quest to come up with content, I began working on two very personal essays that addressed some painful emotional experiences in my life. Experiences I thought I’d resolved and put behind me.

I wasn’t prepared for the difficult headspace exploring these topics again in writing would create. Once the door to that space was reopened, I couldn’t stop myself from entering and reentering. It was like reflexively tonguing a cavity-riddled tooth, one I couldn’t take my mind off, instead of just ignoring it.

However, I can’t pin my entire plummeting mood on Substack-induced angst. Current events have also played a large part in my returning feelings of anxiety, depression, and desire to withdraw.

Many things happening in the world have infuriated me, and I have allowed them to sap my energy. The list of horrors has grown just in the time I’ve been working on this post.

These newest atrocities include ICE’s unwarranted arrest of Ras Baraka, the Mayor of Newark, for trying to gain access to the immigrant detention facility the federal government dropped in the middle of his community (he was released a few hours later); Israeli leader Benjamin Netanyahu’s increasing determination to assume control of Gaza and the West Bank, an intent that sounds more like ethnic cleansing every day (I don’t use that phrase lightly. Until now, I have resisted applying the terms “ethnic cleansing” and “genocide” to the tragic situation in Gaza. It’s becoming impossible to continue to do so); and the threatening announcement by U.S. homeland security advisor and White House deputy chief of staff for policy, Stephen Miller—MAGA’s Joseph Goebbels—that the White House is considering suspending the writ of habeas corpus, bringing us even closer to authoritarianism and de facto martial law.¹ ²

And yet somehow, despite all this weight pressing on me and my need to withdraw into myself, I’ve found the spark to write. And honestly, I’m so happy, because I was afraid I’d never feel this way again.

I thought I’d lost it. Not the ability to write, but the will to do so. I thought I’d lost the drive and interest in this project forever, as so often seems to happen to me. I was cratering, and I feared Words over Swords was at risk of becoming the collateral damage.

But perhaps that won’t be the case. Maybe this is when I need to knuckle down and push through the lack of momentum, the heaviness, and the inertia created by weeks of inaction. My brain is screaming at me to collapse inward. Instead, I choose to expand. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy would probably call this engaging in opposite action.

Music is one tactic I’ve often used to shift my mood. Spring and summer tend to be the times of year when my musical interests drift back to the Grateful Dead. Their live shows evoke a feeling of lightness, playfulness, and expansiveness in me. The music lifts my spirits and encourages me to focus outward on the beauty in the world.

I’ve decided to lean into that, so the Dead have been in heavy rotation on Spotify this past week. In fact, my current writing accompaniment is the Dead at the Hartford Civic Center, October 14, 1983 (released as Dick’s Picks Vol. 6), and the first notes of “Eyes of the World” are now tickling my ears.

Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world
The heart has its beaches, its homeland and thoughts of its own
Wake now, discover that you are the song that the mornin' brings
But the heart has its seasons, its evenin's and songs of its own

Another way I’m working to shift my mood is by focusing on long-form reading.

For months, I’ve concentrated almost entirely on reading news articles and Substack posts, many of which were reporting on current events and the awful state of our world. This became numbing and overwhelming, so I stopped reading… and interacting.

I currently have more than 100 Substack posts waiting in my inbox. At some point, I’ll sort through them. Some I’ll read. Others I’ll delete—after all, despite my tendency towards being a completionist, there is no law requiring me to read everything that lands in my inbox.

Instead, I’ve turned to the stack of no fewer than 10 books awaiting my attention. Just because I’m not immersed in Substack, doesn’t mean I can’t be immersed in reading.

My current read, at the recommendation of my wife, is Harriet Tubman: Live in Concert, A Novel by Bob the Drag Queen. My wife is a huge Drag Race fan, and a fan of Bob, in particular.

(Oh, who am I kidding? She got me hooked, too! Hell, I know the name of Bob and Monét’s podcast, Sibling Rivalry, even though I don’t listen to it. That would be Monét X Change, btdubs. Also, I bought Bob’s book for my wife after she told me about it. Because I am an awesome husband. But I digress.)

My wife found Bob’s book to be a fun and engaging read, and she thought I’d enjoy it, as well. So far, I agree with her. I’m just shy of halfway through, but it feels like a book about the quest for freedom, humanity, and acceptance, both self-acceptance and societal. It’s a book about heroes, small and large, and the telling of their stories. Maybe it’s something you’ll also want to read.

Here’s a brief tease from the book’s description:

In an age of miracles where our greatest heroes from history have magically, unexplainably returned to shake us out of our confusion and hate, Harriet Tubman is back, and she has a lot to say.

Harriet Tubman and four of the enslaved persons she led to freedom want to tell their story in a unique way. Harriet wants to create a hip-hop album and live show about her life, and she needs a songwriter to help her.

She calls upon Darnell, a once successful hip-hop producer who was topping the charts before being outed on a BET talk show. Darnell has no idea what to expect when he steps into the studio with Harriet, only that they have a short period of time to write a legendary album she can take on the road. Over the course of their time together, they not only create music that will take the country by storm, but confront the horrors of both their pasts, and learn to find a way to a better future.

Bob is a multi-talented personality, so I shouldn’t be surprised to learn she has writing chops. (Curious about Bob’s pronouns? Read this article.) Bob handles the subject matter with humor and reverence, presenting her Tubman as both relatable and inspirational. And, as if writing a novel wasn’t enough, Bob also wrote and recorded two original songs to accompany the book.

It’s the next book on my pile, however, that I’m really looking forward to diving into.

It’s called Your Brain on Altruism: The Power of Connection and Community during Times of Crisis, written by health and science journalist Nicole Karsis. Although I’m not familiar with her work and have yet to open the book, it is, in many ways, my inspiration for sitting down to write this week.

I bought the book when I first began publishing Words over Swords, thinking it would be an excellent source of ideas and inspiration. Instead, I’ve let it sit atop my reading pile for months, its optimistic cover text beckoning gently, only to be ignored.

The other day, amidst my depression, I spied the cover and actually paid attention to what it was trying to tell me—altruism is a transformative mindset, for both the giver and the recipient.

Right. I’d forgotten one of the earliest lessons I learned about Leading with Love:

By helping to improve the lives of others, we help to improve our own lives, as well.

Absorbing the message on that book cover was the spark that set this post alight. It was a reminder to stop focusing on myself and my negative mental and emotional states, and to turn my attention outward toward creating goodness in the world.

That, I believe, is the path out of the maze of depression and anxiety. If I need that reminder, I bet others need it, too.

I can’t be the only one slipping into despair as the world around us becomes increasingly threatening and more unhinged. I can’t be the only one who becomes trapped in the morass of despair and rumination. The only one who is exhausted and numb from the constant feelings of outrage and disgust generated in me by the fascist goons destroying our country.

I say these next words to inspire myself, as much as to inspire you:

We need to create moments of meaningfulness, love, and goodness as a counter to the awfulness happening around us. Creating these moments does not require a large effort to have a large impact.

One small moment I created last month came from buying a newer Substack author her first Cup of Coffee. She had just activated this monetization feature and written a wonderful post about the courage it had taken her to do so and the fears she faced about asking readers to pay for reading her work.

I decided to get the ball rolling for her, so I bought that virtual coffee. It cost me just $5, and not only did this action make me feel good, but it also made her day. She’s even written about that moment in subsequent posts.

Sadly, I allowed this positive, joyous experience to fade from my memory.

I realize now I need to get back to doing more of these small, feel-good actions—like supporting other Substack creators through recommendations and small cash tips, just to say, “I see you, I appreciate you, and I honor your efforts.” It’s a simple, yet meaningful gesture.

I also want to get more involved with volunteering. So, I reached out to the Head of Fund Development at the Community FoodBank of New Jersey to let her know I was raising money for her organization through my Substack.

In response, she invited me for a tour of the facility. We discussed potential ways I could volunteer for the organization in a non-traditional manner—authoring articles for them, connecting them with students from my university seeking service hours, and other methods to help CFBNJ increase the range of their outreach.

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A brief update: to date, the Words over Swords Giving Tzedakah Project has raised $155 towards my goal of raising $250 in contributions to provide to the Community FoodBank of New Jersey by June 30. I also have one very generous reader who donated $100 directly to the FoodBank in my name. So technically, we’ve already raised more than $250, but I intend to continue trying to raise $250 directly through subscriptions and ‘Buy Me a Coffee’ contributions. You can participate in the Giving Tzedakah Project by Giving Tzedakah (Buying Me a Coffee) or Subscribing to Words over Swords to contribute!

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Another thing that has brought me some joy and satisfaction in these times is small acts of resistance—little things to push back against encroaching corporatism or authoritarian actions that make me feel empowered in the face of overwhelming, looming oppression.

One small, silly thing I do that brings me an inordinate amount of joy compared to the effort it requires is to resist Amazon.

I have a particular axe to grind with Jeff Bezos, most notably for the ways he has kowtowed to this president, destroyed the integrity of the Washington Post, and chosen to leverage his massive wealth, not for the good of humanity, but to enrich the privileged few and engage in a space race with muskrats.

I used to use Amazon extensively to purchase life’s necessities, conveniences, and books. Lots and lots of books.

Now I use Amazon to keep a running list of all the books I want to read by leaving them pending in an active cart. Currently, there are two dozen books in my Amazon cart, with a total cost to me (and value to Amazon) of $429.18.

When I’m ready to buy a book from my list, I delete it from my Amazon cart and buy it online from the B Corp, Bookshop.org, instead. Why? Besides the fact that I’m mad at Amazon, Bookshop.org reports giving over 80% of its profit margin to independent bookstores.³

Yes, this is more expensive for me than buying books through Amazon, but I’m willing to pay a few dollars more to support an independent bookstore.

Plus, I like to imagine that somewhere among the financial accounting gremlins that toil away at Amazon, there is a little spreadsheet-loving gremlin waiting to receive the expected but unrealized income represented by my little online cart. And whenever I remove a book from that list, I get a small burst of joy imagining this gremlin bursting into a fit as his coffers diminish ever so slightly.

These days, I’ll take every bit of that joy.

So, here’s my commitment to myself and to you, my readers. I’m going to try to complete three small acts of kindness, joy, or altruism each week. It could be anything that might uplift or inspire: Buying a Coffee for a fellow Substacker, telling a colleague I appreciate them, helping a shorter person in the grocery store reach an item out of their reach, or just coming out of my shell to say hi to a stranger and ask how they are doing.

Perhaps you’ll join me in these efforts. And if you do, I’d love to hear about it in the comments.

1. What are some things you have done to bring goodness, kindness, and joy into the world? And how did those efforts impact you?

2. What are some methods you employ to stay centered when the world seems to be falling apart?

3. What are you reading, watching, or listening to that brings meaning and wonder into your life?

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References:

Bookshop.org. (2024). About us. Retrieved from https://bookshop.org/info/about-us

Hunter, R. and Garcia, J. (1973). Eyes of the World [Song]. From the album Wake of the Flood. Grateful Dead Records.

Karlis, N. (2025). Your brain on altruism. University of California Press.

The Drag Queen, B. (2024). Harriet Tubman: Live in concert. Gallery Books

Wikipedia. (2025). Joseph Goebbels. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joseph_Goebbels

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This Week’s Moment of Unconditional Love

This Moment of Unconditional Love is courtesy of Words over Swords reader, Dr. Christine DiBlasio and her charcoal-colored feline friend, Pebs. Dr. DiBlasio is the creator of the Substack page

Unsilenced, For Good

. If you enjoy what I’m doing here at Words over Swords, you’ll definitely want to check out Unsilenced, For Good. Here’s a quote from DiBlasio’s About Me page:

I wholeheartedly believe in the power of people working together for better and that ordinary people can make an extraordinary difference. Now, more than ever, we need compassion, connection, and perhaps courage in whatever form that may take.

See what I mean? Go visit her page. You won’t be disappointed.

Hope is a Renewable Energy Source

Pebs trying to feed herself by opening the freezer.

1. “Habeas corpus is a legal term that refers to a fundamental right that protects individuals from unlawful detention. It is a writ that commands a person holding another in custody to bring the detainee before the court to determine the legality of the detention. The phrase literally means "you shall have the body" in Latin, emphasizing the requirement to present the detained individual in court. This legal principle is essential in safeguarding personal freedom and preventing arbitrary imprisonment” (Microsoft Copilot, 2025). Regardless of whether a person is an undocumented immigrant or an American citizen, once this basic right has been denied to one person, the risk applies to us all. This is textbook fascism.

2. Paul Joseph Goebbels was a German Nazi politician and philologist who was the district leader of Berlin, chief propagandist for the Nazi Party, and subsequently Reich Minister of Propaganda from 1933 to 1945 (Wikipedia, May 10, 2025). He was a real piece of shit (Feldman, May 10, 2025).

3. B Corp Certification is a designation that a business is meeting high standards of verified performance, accountability, and transparency on factors from employee benefits and charitable giving to supply chain practices and input materials.

Bookshop.org also states, “It is written in our governance documents that we will never sell the company to Amazon or any major U.S. retailer” (Bookshop.org, 2025). So, there’s that, too. Shove it, Bezos.