Give Yourself Permission Not to Hate
The online world rewards us for being our worst selves. We don't have to comply.
Recently, a friend sent me the below DM in response to one of my Substack posts about extending love towards others in a world that both encourages and rewards hatred.
Here’s the snippet of interest:
There are a couple of important things I’d like to unpack in this post. First:
I want to make it abundantly clear how inspiring you are to me.
I said it via DM and will repeat it here: “Thank you, my friend.”
I don’t share this as a humble brag. I’m legitimately touched by his outreach. This was a piece of information he did not need to share with me. He went out of his way to let me know I had made an impact on him. That’s something I don’t think we do enough.
And while I greatly appreciate the sentiment and the outreach, I also want to touch on his use of the word “inspiring.”
I won’t lie—I enjoy the thought of being an inspiration to others. It makes me feel proud of myself and contributes to my self-esteem. But I think what I’m attempting to do with my work on Substack is not so much to inspire as to challenge. Because what I suggest—Leading with Love—isn’t easy.
When the legacy media, social media, and dominant public discourse are spreading messages of hatred, cruelty, and dehumanization, it’s easy to get caught in the currents of that corrupting narrative. We are being pushed in that direction by systems built to spread, reinforce, and monetize outrage. Hot takes, flippant responses, emotional reactivity, and devastating take downs and “burns” drive engagement and provide fuel for the perpetual anger machine.
My Substack is an attempt to challenge that model. It’s attempting to show that a positive, unifying, love-focused message can be just as powerful as the one that dominates our media environment. I want to demonstrate that a person can make a positive difference in the world simply by striving to be a good person—or just a better one. That doesn’t mean we always succeed in being our best selves; it just means we try.
With this in mind, the next part of my friend’s message is both honest and telling:
I want you to understand how much I’ve been struggling with your message of love. In that I don’t like it and know it’s right.
Yes. Exactly. Struggle with it. We’re supposed to.
If responding to anger and cruelty with love was easy, we wouldn’t be neck deep in shit right now. But it’s not the natural human response to aggression and hatred. When attacked, we become defensive and/or respond in kind. Meeting the sword with an open palm is not a hard-wired response.
As for those who instigate… unfortunately, humans as a whole seem to find it easier to be cruel than to be kind. There will always be an instigator. And sadly, there may be more of them than there are of us. Or, if not, they tend to be louder and more outspoken.
To me, it seems more common that someone will say something nasty or give a backhanded compliment online than it is that they’ll say something nice. Consider this: When engaging online, are you more likely to…
Post a negative comment on a post you disliked/disagreed with?
Do nothing; don’t interact with posts at all?
Drop a like or comment on a post you enjoyed/agreed with?
On most social media sites, I feel like the first bullet is the most common answer. Algorithms reward and reinforce sarcasm, flippancy, and confrontation. Bots help the process along by making it look like that’s the typical, expected way to engage online. Outrage drives engagement. It’s like the old story about the Howard Stern show: The number one reason people who love him listen to the show is because they want to hear what he’s going to say next; the number one reason people who hate him listen to the show is because they want to hear what he’s going to say next.
On Substack, we seem to be a little kinder, but I get the sense that the second bullet is the most common answer on this platform—we say nothing. We read (or skim) a long-form post, then move along. Why is it easier for people to “like bomb” notes on this app than it is to like long-form posts? We know which ones took more effort and authors put more of themselves into.
But how many of us go out of our way to say something nice to a creator (or just hit the ❤️option) when we enjoy their long-form work? My completely unscientific guesstimate would be no more than a third of us. Probably fewer. It’s not that we’re going out of our way to be shitty, we just aren’t going out of our way to be the opposite of shitty, either.
That’s why I love the way my friend framed the second sentence in particular, whether intentionally or not:
I want you to understand how much I’ve been struggling with your message of love. In that I don’t like it AND know it’s right. [emphasis added]
The embrace of the “both/and” in this statement is critical. It acknowledges the dueling impulses we all experience as complex human beings. Both things are possible. Both are true. Therein lies the challenge. We may not like our vegetables, but we’re better off when we eat them, kids.
Thinking up clever retorts, witty takedowns, and devastating reads can be, let’s face it, fun. It gets the adrenaline rushing. It attracts attention online in the form of likes, shares, and responses, providing the much sought-after dopamine boost. It makes us feel powerful, smug, superior, perhaps even righteous. These are powerful, intoxicating sensations.
Moreover, others often rally around our professed wrath and fury, providing encouragement—even joining the dog pile. This contributes to a sense of belonging, unity, and community built around the othering of another person. Tribalism requires an out-group; it doesn’t lend itself to approaching members of that out-group with open hearts and minds.
For some reason, being kind and supportive of others just seems to be more difficult in our modern world. Let’s not forget, many on the far right are trying to tell us empathy is outdated. In fact, kindness and gentleness may be LESS socially acceptable than being cruel to others. Kind and supportive behavior doesn’t garner the type of attention that outlandish behavior does. We don’t get congratulated or cheered on for it. Moreover, it requires vulnerability and openness, stances that leave us open to ridicule or dismissal by others who may chide us for being “soft,” “sensitive,” or “snowflakes.”
Empathy Is Kryptonite to Our Oligarchic Overlords
“The fundamental weakness of Western civilization is empathy, the empathy exploit. There it’s they’re exploiting a bug in Western civilization, which is the empathy response.” – Elon Musk, the richest man in the world, February 28, 2025
Being proactively kind also requires going against the flow. If everyone else is piling on, it’s only too easy to jump on the pile, too. We have a natural desire to be part of the group, even if a part of us may dislike what the group is doing. Otherwise, we risk rejection and ostracization ourselves.
And then there’s the last bit of his message. I love the way this thought is phrased:
And giving yourself permission not to hate people.
What a magnificent concept—permitting oneself not to hate in a world that glorifies, magnifies, and amplifies cruelty, suffering, anger, and verbal and written bile. Yes, we need to remind ourselves that it’s okay to NOT subscribe to those behaviors. To choose to be someone better. To choose love. Just because a part of ourselves tells us to be cruel or judgmental, we don’t have to listen to it.
To clarify: I am not holding myself up as a paragon of virtue and goodness. Like my friend, I, too, struggle to interact with the world in the way I am suggesting. I struggle to Lead with Love. It’s a process and a journey, not a destination.
I feel hatred. I have anger. There are times I think horrible, violent, terrible things. Because that’s what our minds do—they churn out thoughts endlessly, most of which are irrelevant noise. We absorb attitudes, beliefs, and world views from the environment around us. We may not subscribe to them, but they still run through our heads.
There are days I am closed off, dismissive, cold, and callous. Filled with anger, disgust, or feelings of hatred. At times, I shut myself away. I shut people out. I am human. We are human. And as such, we contain contradictions. We are not one thing at all times; we are many things at once.
My thoughts, both light and dark, do not make me who I am; my behaviors and actions do. What I do with my thoughts and desires, how I choose to be present in the world, makes me who I am. Accepting my flaws and striving to do better makes me who I am.
What does that mean? It means I’m not saying, “Don’t have bad, hurtful, reactionary thoughts.” That would be impossible. What I’m saying is, “You don’t have to indulge those thoughts.” At least not always.
That classic putdown may sound funny in your head, it may get some laughs online, but that doesn’t mean you have to post it.
That infuriating, close-minded hot take someone just posted? Rather than argue with the poster or try to flame them online, you could just choose not to engage. Perhaps there are better places to put your energy.
And the post that made you feel something? The post where someone went out of their way to bare their soul, to share themselves in a positive and life-enriching manner? To put themselves out in the world and be vulnerable? Rather than say nothing, you could share your appreciation with a comment or a like. Or tell them they inspired you.
We have a choice. We can build people up or we can tear them down. We can strive to reach out to others with kindness, respect, and humanity, or we can dehumanize, degrade, and dismiss.
We can seek to connect. To support each other. To care about one another.
There are days I feel like an ogre. On those days, I sometimes hate myself. Sometimes I hate the world. Sometimes I hate everyone and everything. It’s during those times that I have to remember to put in the work. Rather than indulge those feelings, I try to remember to actively turn them aside, and more importantly, to do the opposite of what my feelings may dictate in the moment.
Just because I had a bad day at work doesn’t mean I have to go home and kick the dog. When I’m in a rotten mood or mindset, rather than indulge the negative energy by saying or posting something nasty, I try to remember to do the reverse—find someone to say something nice to, whether it’s leaving a positive comment online or thanking a coworker just for showing up. These actions can shift the energy away from the negative and towards something healthier.
So next time your anger is triggered, or you’re hating the world—or yourself, try not to indulge those feelings. Instead, try to do the opposite. Do something kind for someone. It doesn’t have to be for the person who triggered you; not engaging with them is enough. Instead, bring a different energy into your world—tell a friend you miss them and that they’re important to you. Hold the door for the person behind you. Say, “Good morning” to someone in the hall. Smile. That’s all it takes to make their life better, and yours.
Tomorrow (June 30, 2025) is the last day to contribute funds for The Community FoodBank of New Jersey. You can do so by clicking the “Give Tzedakah” button below or subscribing. Effective July 1, we’ll begin collecting contributions for the Non-Profit Organization of the Quarter for 3Q2025, Inspire Like Skills Training in Corona, CA.
This Week’s Moment of Unconditional Love
What do you do with a 20-year-old cat? Why, you love them unconditionally, of course. And they love you right back. This week, we’re being visited by Oliver, my parents’ little old man. Ollie is completely deaf at this point, but otherwise, he still gets around pretty well. In his younger days, Ollie loved shoes. They were one of his favorite things. Whenever I’d visit my parents, he’d find my empty shoes, stick his head in, and just lie there, purring. Sneakers, sandals, boots, whatever. He loved them all. The stinkier the better. My Mom called it “visiting his shoe friends.” No shoe friends in this picture, but here’s Ollie-Wollie sleeping next to my brother’s drum kit. Good thing he’s already deaf!
I love what you're doing with your Substack! Thanks for putting this out into the world.
Intentional curiosity can also spark dopamine bursts!